This is a depressing post. Don’t read it. Unless you are one of those super happy, positive people who don’t get easily depressed then read on, my friend. But you’ve been warned.
Limbo sucks and I’m stuck in it. We were planning on leaving for our snowbird season down south a couple of weeks ago. We should be in sunny California about now. But instead I’m stuck here waiting for doctors to take a piece of me, examine it under a microscope, and then tell me what my future is going to look like.
And just when I thought my future was in my own hands.
I haven’t been posting very regularly lately because I’ve been busy having various types of scans and tests. They’ve narrowed it down to two things. It’s either going to be nothing to worry about at all and I can go on my merry way. Or, it’s going to be very, very bad. But the pictures don’t look right, so they can’t say one way or the other right now.
You see, I’m not naturally a very positive person. I always prepare for the worst so I’m not disappointed and maybe I’ll even be pleasantly surprised. But that tactic isn’t very healthy for me right now. In fact, it’s totally making me panic.
In the past I have used photography to help me focus on the good and beautiful things in the world. It’s takes my attention away from the bad and on to the good. Using photography as tool this way has helped me change my life and see the world differently.
But I don’t know if it’s going to work this time.
When I changed my life to become a nomadic photographer two years ago I finally found more happiness. And now I sure am glad I made that change when I did. You just never know what the future holds. But suddenly this fear in my life has pushed me back to where I started, and I see and think only negative things. Everyone says I should think positively, but I don’t seem to have that ability.
I guess I’ll have to try relying on photography again to pull me out of my pit of negativity and try to see and think good things again.
I miss California.