I’m so sad to say that my Mom has left this world. My life is never going to be the same without her. I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled.
But I also feel fortunate that with the nomadic lifestyle that I lead, I was able to drop everything to spend quality time with her, and with my Dad, during the last few months of her life. We had an opportunity to say all the things we wanted and needed to say, like “I’ll never forget you”, “thank you for helping me”, “I wasn’t always the best mother”, “I wasn’t always the best daughter”, “I’m sorry”, and especially “I love you”.
Mom was diagnosed with ALS three years ago, and since then she suffered so many losses.
First she lost her mobility, then she lost her home. She lost the hobbies she loved. She lost control over her daily life and her surroundings. She lost all concept of time. Then she slowly lost all of her positive qualities and was left with only the negative parts of herself. She worried and worried and worried about all the little trivial things. She lost her memories (sometimes). She lost her hearing. She lost her ability to have meaningful conversation. And in the end her voice was but a whisper.
Watching her slowly dying was heartbreaking.
But the one thing she didn’t loose was the love of her family. Every single day for the year and a half she was in a nursing home, my Dad, her husband of 65 years, visited and had lunch with her. When she went into palliative care, Ray and I moved in with Dad so I could spend lots of time with Mom and help Dad out too. She was in palliative care for 9 weeks and during that time myself or one of my siblings, often a few of us, visited her every night. Being with her family was all she wanted in the end.
Her mind would come and go, but one thing she was always clear on in our personal conversations was that she wanted me to continue pursuing my passion. She wanted me to continue with my photography. She wanted me to go on my planned trip to China, even though she was doing so poorly and might not live to see me return. She begged me to go on the trip and said she wouldn’t forgive herself if I missed it because of her.
When I got back, her ashes were in a box on the table.
Towards the end, it was hard to know what to wish for. She suffered so much.
I don’t know where she went. I’m not a religious person, but I know that wherever she went, even if it was nowhere, it is better than where she was.
So now a couple of weeks has gone by and we are all still getting used to the idea that she is no longer here. In a few days the entire family will be together, and together we will scatter her ashes.
Then it will be time for me to continue on my path. I’ll try my best to fulfill my promise to her to live my life to the fullest.
RIP Esther McKinnell 1933 – 2016.
So sad for you. Please take care & know I care
So sorry for your sad loss. Watching someone you love slowly slip away is so painful for everybody. I lost my Dad with cancer in November last year and then in March my husband died suddenly and the world wil never be the same again. It is so hard for the people left behind.
I am thinking of you take care and remember the good times.
Deepest sympathies, Anne. What a blessing that you had that time and those conversations before she died. –Bonnie Brant
My heart and thoughts go out to you and your family. We sat at my mother-in-laws bed as she was taken off the machines and given comfort care. It only took several hours of wait until that part was over. Besides the moment of death, I believe that the hardest part is when everyone else leaves and you are alone. But try to remember that you will never be alone, she will always be in your heart, mind and photos and you are surrounded by people who care for you.
Anne;
So sorry to hear about your mother! ALS is a nasty disease; it robs one everything. I think she has moved on to a much better place; her work is done on this planet. I wish you all the best as you continue to move forward – as your Mom wanted you to. I was just in Victoria/Nanaimo/Vancouver area in August. It has been many years since I had been there; it was still so beautiful!
Hi Anne, so sorry to hear the loss of your dear Mother. It is such a tragic time of life and one that I can relate to fully. I too lost my Mum a long time ago now I was only 9 at the time and I can honestly say to you that I think of her almost every other day. So please take time to grieve for her but at the same time still include her in your daily life.
I am not ashamed to admit that I still miss my Mum terribly and for me that will never change.
What is important to me is that sometimes when I look in the mirror, at my own children and possibly more so when I am with my adorable grand children I know that part of Mum will never die while our family survives.
People have told me over the years that you will come to terms with the loss, I will never come to terms nor do I want to. I love her as much today as I did when she was with me . So please remember we all grieve in our own ways and it is always your choice how you grieve.
You have a lot of people who in their own way love you for who you are. You through your passion for photography will never be alone and again I say how sorry I am for your loss.
With time Anne, things will get better. I went through losing a mother and a wife, though at different times.
An extra measure of strength will come to guide you, ease your pain, and help you carry on. I, also, am not a religious person but both times a ‘presence’ came and eased me through periods of darkness. You just feel it and accept it with thanks.
My thoughts are with you.
She is safe and happy at the end of the rainbow. Watching and waiting .
She is there at the end of the rainbow , watching and waiting.
I am so very sorry to learn of your loss, Anne. ALS is such a dreadful disease. But trust that your Mom, wherever her soul is now, is free of her physical suffering. It is hard to lose a parent though, no matter the circumstances. My Father-in-Law has dementia and has been living with us for over 2 years. He is good physically but it is heart-breaking to see his mind leaving him. Keeps me pretty busy but my work is my respite. Take care of yourself and be in touch one of these times.
Sincerely,
Darlene .
She will be in my prayers tomorrow. May her soul Rest In Peace. Soul never dies, it leaves the body and enters another to pursue its purpose.
You take care.
My deepest condolences. The pain of loss will ease and the memories will become a treasure.
Anne, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. How wonderful it was for her to encourage you in your love of wildlife photography. That is a gift you will have forever. I lost my mom at age 92 in 2012. She, too, encouraged me to go on photo trips with friends and often helped me out financially to do so because she knew that wildlife photography makes my heart sing. I miss showing her my images of the beautiful birds and landscapes I bring home from every trip. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
I’m so sorry Anne, it’s heartbreaking to lose the ones that have helped us find our wings. My thoughts and Prayers go out to you and your family.
You write so beautifully about your mom. And your photo is a beautiful connection to her. May you know peace and comfort in these sad days.
Heartfelt condolences.
Anne: I am so sorry to hear of the loss in f your mum. I know how difficult it is. I still miss my mum every day since we lost her 7 years ago. May your memories, friends and family carry you through as you grieve for her. Such a lovely view she had, so peaceful and calming. Take care.
Wishing you much peace at this time…what a loving daughter you have been. May no regrets ever come your way.. There is a after-life and your mother has entered into it. Be assured she is going to be OK. Even though you may not feel it now She will reveal those things to you in her time. Sending sincere prayers w=your way too
Dear Anne,
While my parents are still alive, my closest woman friend lost her mother a couple of years ago, and it was excruciating. I can only imagine the intense loss you feel, and I dread it when it is my turn. You were indeed fortunate to be able to have the flexibility to have time to spend with her.
You wrote beautifully of your mother. My condolences. Having recently lost my mother, who was 92 and suffered from age-related dementia, I think I understand some of your emotions. It seems now that the memories I hold of my mom are as she was in the fullness of health and life. She was beautiful in so many ways. Time does have a way of smoothing the edges. I pray that you have the same experience.
This is a beautiful post.
You two were together at the beginning and at the end and the stuff in between was just life. Even though your heart is broken, you have good memories that may help ease some of the pain. I feel for you and I do believe in prayer so I will keep you and your family in mine.
Thank you for sharing with us. Death is part of our lives and I appreciate that you took the time write about your mother’s.
I hope you will feel better soon.
Anne
I would place that image of the view that she loved in a special place so that you will always be able to see it and remember her.
Deepest sympathies on the loss of your Mother. I lost my mom in May, after watching the monster of Alzheimers rob her of so much of yourself. It’s not a pain that will ever leave, but I take some small comfort in the fact that she is no longer scared and confused and frustrated and unable to do the things that she loved. Like you, I did get the chance to say goodbye, and for us to say all of the important things – and I am grateful for that blessing every day. May time ease the sharpness of the loss.
Those of us who have cared for an aging, sick parent understand how difficult it is. Your Mom was so fortunate to have such a wonderful, caring family and all of us are fortunate to know you, at least online if nothing else. You give us so much. Thank you for being you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother several years ago and miss her terribly. I hope and pray that you will come to understand that she is now free of pain and suffering. Remember the good times you had together and don’t dwell on the sad times. Celebrate her life and follow your passion.
Deepest sympathy to you & your family,Anne, especially to your dad. X
Anne, so sorry for your loss. Moms are very special and it’s very empty without them. I lost my mom 3 years ago. I too miss showing mom my images. She always had interest in my work, she was very supportive of what I did. Just like your mom was very supportive of you. What a special mom she was to encourage you to follow your dream.
I want to leave you with this…… ” Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you”
Hi Anne, I am sorry for your great loss, mothers are so very special in most people’s lives, they give so much love and support to others and ask for very little in return.
Take care.
Kind regards
Ron V Smith
Saddened to hear about your loss. Thank you for sharing the wonderful photo of your mother with her camera. Safe travels.
Continue to follow your dream as it will honor all your mother likely hoped for you.
Condolences and best wishes for you on your path.
Anne,
My mother passed of Alzheimer’s. It is difficult to watch as your loved one slowly diminishes. I lost a friend, a young father of three to ALS almost a year ago.
Time will help, as will friends and family. I’m glad your mother had you go on your trip – it was her gift of love to you.
Your mother was a lucky lady – having you and her family so close. May your fond memories help you through this tough time and the times yet ahead. Thank you for sharing.
Beautifully written, I was very moved. Thank you.
Anne,
Thank you for sharing this update. Having experienced similar experiences with loss of parents, Karen and I send our sincere condolences to you, Ray, your Dad and the rest of the family.
Anne,
Thank you for sharing. I lost my mom when she was 61 twenty three years ago. I still think about her all the time. I regularly write her letters to her about my life which I find to be very helpful.
Tim
Hi, Anne, Thank you for sharing those beautiful memories of your mom. You and she were lucky to share all those final days expressions of love and care for each other. Her pain is gone, and even though yours is deep and hard, you may find some solace in knowing and experiencing her love and encouragement that guided you in becoming the woman you are today. That view from her window had to make her happy, no doubt.
My mom was only 46 when she died unexpectedly on us, I was 20 and did not grasp the magnitude of her departure until years later. Like yours, my mom encouraged me to get an education and I am forever grateful for it. That gave me the motivation and steadfastness to achieve my dreams.
Her and my dear husband who also died too young 13 years ago are still my great cheerleaders providing self assurance, comfort, encouragement and inspiration in good as well as difficult moments, for which I feel so fortunate.
I feel like your mom will always be that guiding loving light in your life. Not everyone is that fortunate.
My condolences to your dad and your family.
Sorry to hear this news Anne. Glad you were able to spend time with her and your dad. Happy to hear you are choosing to live life on your own terms.
Dear Anne,
Really sorry and accept our sincere condolences!
I have been following you since the very first days of your new nomad life !
Think about all the good moments you had with her !
Alexander
Dear Anne,
Please accept my deepest sympathies. I am sure she had a full life on earth & is now enjoying her heavenly abode.
Noel Rasquinha
So sorry — and unfortunately I have to say that the hole you feel will never heal. You have to try to transform it in a sour sweet thing and live with it. More than four year have passed for me, and the sensation of loss has not faded… just transformed in something that helps me to live my life and enjoy it every single day.
Dear Anne,
I am extremely sorry to hear the loss of your mother.
Pleases accept my heartfelt condolences.
Sree
Dear Anne,
So sorry for your loss. May you find comfort in happy memories of your mum.
Marie
Your Mum may have left this world but never your heart
Really sad. They say that time is a great healer. Hope you will also get over your grief soon.
So sorry to hear of your loss. Your mother may not be there with you in person but she will always be with you.
As I have lost both my parents I know you are going through a very hard time. Anne they are always in our hearts and always missed but I am thankful I had them for as long as I did. I feel after watching them both suffer at the end helped me realize I had to let them go to a more peaceful place. You have all the beautiful memories of her that will help you carry your dream on. Speaking as a mother there is nothing that makes life more complete as knowing our children are healthy and happy in there journey in life and your mother wanted you to follow your dream because it helped fulfill hers also. So you helped complete her life now you are following a dream for you both, may your journey be long and happy with her in your heart always.
Pat
Sorry for your lose my dear friend, i have the same experience you can always count on me for moral support may her soul rest in peace
Dear Anne,
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mom 12 years ago this month, it gets easier to live with the pain, but I never stop missing her. I still long for a conversation with her, wish she was here to see my daughter’s wedding this past summer. All I can say, is that you have your photographs and memories which will live on and carry on her memory for you and your family. Please accept my sincere condolences.
Debra
Dear Anne,
I am sorry to hear about your mother. .
May God give you strength to endure these difficult moments.
Best regards,
– Luiz Muzzi
P.S. : I follow many photography blogs and I have never seen anyone going into something so personal as you did. This alone makes you a very special person and a distinctive artist.
So sorry for your loss, Anne.
Recently went through some of the same with my Dad, age 90, who had a stroke. At first he was recovering, but then things got worse. home now after the funeral and miss him. In catching up with all things digital, I read your post. Like you, I’m not religious, but do recognize that everything comes to an end. Cherish the time you had together and your memories. You will get through this.
A wonderful memory-tribute to read. I’m sure your mother, like mine, while not aware of many things, was aware that caring loved ones were close by, in thought and in person. She will not be forgotten.
So much has already been said about the lovely tribute to your mother, father and whole family. I believe we live on in the memories of those close to us. My mother is on the same path – with weeks to live due to metastasizing cancer so I feel your pain. But for now she’s still at home and my sisters and I are doing what we can for her with the help of visiting nurses. Palliative care will be next. The good thing, even though the cancer is beginning to affect her mind, is that she still has her sense of humour! That’s what I want to remember.
Hugs to you and yours.
My heartfelt condolences, Anne, on the loss of your dear mother. It’s wonderful that you had time to be with her in her last months. In the photo you posted of her in 1950, she is so young and beautiful. She had such a gorgeous view from her window. And there’s the rainbow, a promise of hope in your time of such deep sorrow. May you, Ray, your father and others who are grieving her loss find peace during this difficult time. — Suzy
Thank you for sharing. It’s so hard to lose someone so close and dear to us, Today would be my dad’s birthday if we hadn’t lost him to Alzheimers 3 years ago. Praying for peace and many good memories to share.
Losing the one person that has loved you your entire life is so jarring. I still miss my mom seven years later. But when I am discouraged, worried, etc. I feel her in my heart. I talk. She listens. Yours will too. I extend my deepest sympathies to you and your family.
Dear Anne
Sincere condolences, it is never easy to have to say goodbye to a loved one but good loving memories will carry you through the time of morning your loss. My mom passed away 25 years ago and my dad 15 years ago and I still miss them every day. Will keep you and your family in my prayers . From South Africa
Sorry to hear about your Mom, Anne. I hope you were able to find some enjoyment in your China trip despite the circumstances.
I am so sorry for your loss Anne. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things we go through. That hole in your life will never be filled, but as time goes on you learn how to live without it consuming you. We are literally part of our parents, and nobody has a bigger role to play in making you who you are. Cherish the happy times, cry when you need to, and hold tight to your siblings and your dad.
So sorry for your loss Anne.
I am so sorry for your loss, but I know your mom is out of her discomfort. Take care of your dad. I am so glad y ou were able to help in those last few months and found quality time.
May her soul rest in peace.
Sorry about your loss. My deepest condolences.
Anne, we do not know each other but we know for sure what a Mother is! loosing one’s mother is loosing it’s ambilical connect with one’s history and memory gaps we creat of our childhood. Mom is the world then, while we now create our own now, no one can ever forget the priceless history of our times we have spent with our parents.
I felt sad when I too lost my parents. I perfectly understand you and your feelings of effortless attachments to her.
Please accept my sincere condolences for your personal loss. but your passion for photography is a solace to recoupe the loss!
With love & regards and with lots of empathy…
Himanshu
Ardent fan of your blog & photography
From Delhi: India
My sincerest condolences to you and your family.
I present my sincere condolences to you. All my sympathy.
Dear Anne,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I feel your pain as I lost my mother 7 years ago to Leukemia. When they say time heals all wounds, it is not true, time only changes the wound. There will always be the loss. Hugs of comfort to you during this very difficult time.
Paula Rigby
Burlington, MA USA
Hey Anne- I am with you in your moment of grief.
May her soul rest in peace.
Anne,
I know how you feel. In 2014 I lost my Mom after a very lengthy bought with dementia and congestive heart failure. Then this past year we lost my Mother-in-law to large type-b lymphoma. Heartbreaking but at the same time comforting knowing that the suffering has ended. Loosing your Mom is never easy…I can’t even image how it is for a daughter…bad enough for a son…my Mom had 5 boys, and no girls…but each and everyone of her sons and daughter’s-in-laws made life an the end much more bearable…I’m sure that you and Ray did the same for your Mom.
Keep her always in your thoughts and use your creativity to capture images that remind you of her always.
Keep the faith,
-Bill
So sorry for her loss and my prayers are with you and your family.
My thoughts are with you. Losing your mom is a hard thing.
Hi Anne,
Condolences to you and your family. Please embrace the positive memories of her and cherish them. My thoughts are with you at this time. Rest assured that her soul is timeless and lives on …
Anne,
So sorry to hear that you lost your mom. I lost my mom in 2011 and even though time has helped, I miss her all the time. She was my best friend. Just lost my Dad this year on the last day of March. My sister and I were both holding his hands as he went to be with our mother. Just take one day at a time. May God Bless you and yours at this very difficult time.
Oh Anne, my deepest sympathies, and I know how you feel. Mothers are like your best of the best of friends, you could tell them everything! The first year will be your hardest year and as the days drift by, may you find comfort knowing that she has gone to a better place and is no longer suffering. Her quality of life had gone long before she gave up the will to carry on.
As the many comments mentioned, cherish all those memories and good times had and just embrace them, She gave you the gift of life so continue to do what matters the most for you, she would want that, and she will continue to watch over you every day, so continue with your passion (love your work!). Your father will need your company for a while too, so watch over him and allow him the time to heal his loss too.
I was so sorry to head this sad, sad new, Anne. ALS is a horrible disease and it must have been so difficult to watch helplessly as the disease progressively stole her away from you and your family. She is now at peace, free from suffering, and I hope that is some consolation to you all. And what a lovely photo to cherish
So sorry for your loss Anne. It’s always tough to lose a loved one, but her suffering is over which is always a relief.
Condolences, Anne.
You and your family have undergone a sad and stressful time through this ordeal. I know you will always have her in your thoughts.
Anne, I am so sad to hear of the passing of you mom — more than you know. A sage doctor once said that he learned that one should cry when they felt like it, wherever they were. People would understand, or they wouldn’t. But it doesn’t make any difference; just cry. You were a good daughter. You were there for her in the end and relieved her of guilt by going to China as she wished. Ray is a good Son-in-Law and husband too for being there for you both. There are many stages of grief as I am sure you have been told but regardless it is unique for everyone. My thoughts and best wishes are with you.
George
Anne,
I just saw this. Heartbreaking! And even more so right now because my neighbor across the street, who is 62, has been diagnosed with ALS. It is a terrible, debilitating disease and there is no cure in sight. Your mother obviously was a brave woman, who showed her love for her daughter by sending you on your trip. She knew you could not change her fate and she loved you too much to hold you back from living, My mother has been gone for a little over 7 years. You never fully get over losing a mother. I am sorry I am late on seeing this, but my thoughts are with you as you still grapple with ‘life without a mom’. Cherish your memories!
Darlene Knott